What Abusive Spouses Pull During and After Divorce - and What the Courts See All the Time
- Stephanie Daukus
- Oct 28, 2025
- 6 min read
⚖️ Note: While this article refers to husbands and wives for clarity, financial and emotional abuse can occur in any relationship - regardless of gender, orientation, or role. The patterns described here are based on what family courts, attorneys, and financial professionals see most often, particularly in male-perpetrated cases.
Divorce Doesn’t Stop Abuse - It Just Changes How It Shows Up
Abuse rarely ends when the marriage does. It simply changes form.
Often, the behavior escalates the moment someone files - or even hints at leaving.
What once happened behind closed doors turns into a strategy played out through money, children, and the court system. Even after the ink is dry, the same patterns continue - just in new ways.
Below are ten behaviors family courts, attorneys, and financial experts see over and over again.
💸 1. Cutting Off Funds or “Forgetting” Support Payments
One of the most common divorce and post-divorce tactics is financial sabotage.
He transfers all funds to a private account, closes credit cards, or stops paying the mortgage - even though the court issued an injunction (a legal order that prevents either party from hiding, selling, or transferring assets during divorce) against the former and required he cover the latter.
He “forgets” child support, delays transfers, or hides behind excuses like, “The check must’ve gotten lost,” or “I switched banks.”
You open your banking app and the joint account is suddenly empty - right before the mortgage is due. Or your debit card declines at the grocery store because he “forgot to transfer” funds again.
The intent is the same: to destabilize you financially, create dependence, and punish you for leaving.
📋 What to do: Document everything - every missed payment, every “oops.” Courts can and do enforce orders, but you’ll need a clear, unemotional record.
🎭 2. Claiming You Were the Abuser
An abuser often rewrites history, painting himself as the victim - sometimes even filing false police reports or “parental alienation” claims.
You went on vacation with the kids - a trip he declined to join - and now he’s telling anyone who will listen that you “abducted” them.
Why? Because confusion delays proceedings, intimidates you, and can gain leverage in custody or financial negotiations.
💡 What to know: Many courts now place less weight on unsubstantiated allegations and favor shared-parenting frameworks. Stay grounded in facts. Let your documentation, not your emotions, tell the story.
🎥 3. Antagonizing You - Then Recording It
He knows your triggers. He provokes you, records your reaction, and plays it back in court
to make you look “unstable.”
Often this is done secretly - he presses record in another room, approaches you mid-argument, and hides the phone so the video shows only your frustration, not his provocation.
He texts you twenty times in a row, shows up unannounced, or pushes an argument until you finally snap - then records only the moment you raise your voice.
Family-court professionals see this constantly - and they’ve seen far worse than one angry text or one raised voice after being goaded.
🛡️ Protect yourself: Communicate only in writing or through monitored apps like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents, which provide timestamped records that protect you if things escalate.
🗣️ 4. Launching a Smear Campaign
When control starts slipping, image management becomes the weapon of choice.
He tells mutual friends, coworkers, or family that you’re “unstable,” “manipulative,” or “money-hungry” - often using half-truths mixed with personal details.
You find out he’s warning mutual friends to “be careful” because you’re “not doing well,” or that he’s posting vague quotes about “toxic exes” on social media.
After twelve years as a stay-at-home mom, suddenly you’re “too unstable” to care for the kids - while he continues to travel half the month for work. The irony is painful, but the pattern is familiar: projection and control.
🧭 How to respond: Don’t engage. Stay consistent, calm, and professional. Over time, your integrity will speak louder than his lies.
🧮 5. Hiding or Withholding Financial Information
Abusers often weaponize complexity - hiding accounts, shifting money into businesses, under-reporting income, or “forgetting” assets.
He suddenly claims his bonus was canceled, the business “isn’t doing well,” or he “can’t find” the retirement-account statements.
As a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst® Professional, I’ve seen how easily hidden money slips past a quick review - and how damaging it can be later.
📊 Stats to know:
60% of individuals believe their spouse hid assets.
39% admit they did.
Roughly 1 in 5 divorce cases involve hidden money or property. (Sources: NAPFA Divorce & Money Survey, 2018; Harris Poll, 2022, respectively)
If something feels off, trust your instincts - and request full financial transparency through your attorney or CDFA® professional.
👨👧 6. Using the Kids as Leverage
Another painful pattern: guilt, bribes, or emotional manipulation aimed at the children.
He promises your daughter a pony if they tell the evaluator they want to live with him. Or he tells them, “Mom’s keeping me from you.”
Courts recognize these tactics. Keep your communication child-focused and consistent. Your calm becomes your strongest evidence.
🕰️ 7. Timing Tactics
Dragging Things Out
Endless motions, “lost” paperwork, last-minute cancellations - delay is another form of control.
He files everything a day late, forces unnecessary hearings, or insists on rescheduling mediation at the last minute - again. It drains you emotionally and financially - which is exactly the point.
…or Speeding Them Up
He suddenly tries to rush hearings or mediation, hoping to knock you off balance before you can hire an attorney, review documents, or plan a strategy. He believes haste hides the truth.
🎯 Stay steady: Let your attorney control the tempo. Predictability and patience weaken his leverage.
💔 8. Love-Bombing to Throw You Off Track
Just when you start to find your footing, he shifts - apologizing, reminiscing, or offering to “start fresh.”
Sometimes out of nowhere, a long text appears: “I’ve been thinking about us. Let’s talk — we can fix this.”
That’s not reconciliation; it’s re-engagement. Love-bombing is meant to disarm you or soften you before the next wave of control.
🚦 Pause before responding. Genuine change shows up through consistent action, not bursts of charm when power is slipping.
🔥 9. Escalating Conflict
And when love-bombing doesn’t work, he turns to chaos - which narcissists thrive on.
Suddenly that affectionate partner is refusing to negotiate, making exaggerated claims, or filing motions just to keep you off balance.
One week he’s demanding mediation; the next he’s threatening trial “on principle.” Every step forward turns into two steps back.
Don’t mistake the chaos for confusion - it’s deliberate. The goal is exhaustion: to make you surrender what he couldn’t win fairly.
🧠 10. Having to “Win” - At Any Cost
Ever heard of the Prisoner’s Dilemma? It’s a concept in game theory where two people acting in self-interest end up worse off than if they’d cooperated.
Divorce with a covert manipulator often follows the same logic.
In his mind, there are only four outcomes:
1️⃣ He wins, you lose
2️⃣ He loses, you win
3️⃣ He loses, you lose
4️⃣ He wins, you win
A healthy person aims for #4 - mutual resolution.
A narcissist aims for #1 - absolute victory.
But if that isn’t possible, he’ll choose #3: “If I can’t win, neither will you.”
Sometimes, he’ll agree to #4 - but only if he can frame it as his idea, his generosity, or his control. Cooperation feels safe only when it feeds his ego.
I once heard a man say, “I don’t care if she’s left with one dollar, as long as I have two.” That’s not negotiation - that’s pathology.
The key is to recognize this mindset early. You can’t out-argue or out-logic it - only protect yourself from it. Pursue fair, fact-based outcomes, but don’t mistake temporary cooperation for genuine compromise.
📚 Recommended reading: In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by Dr. George K. Simon, Ph.D.
The Common Thread: Deflect, Project, Control
When you look closely, nearly every divorce and post-divorce tactic shares the same DNA.
Abusive partners:
Deflect responsibility
Project their behavior onto you
Control the narrative through chaos and confusion
You’ll see it when they accuse you of what they’ve done, provoke conflict, then blame you for reacting. Calm and reasonable in public, destructive in private.
It’s not logic — it’s strategy. Once you understand that, you can stop taking the bait, respond strategically, and reclaim your emotional and financial power.
The Big Picture
All these behaviors share one goal: control. They’re not random. They’re patterns courts and professionals recognize.
You don’t have to face them alone. Financial clarity is power.
By understanding the numbers, keeping meticulous records, and surrounding yourself with a supportive team - attorney, therapist, and financial expert - you can shift the balance back in your favor.
If you’re seeing these signs, know that you’re not overreacting - and you’re not alone.
💛 At Clarity Financial Wellness
I help clients uncover the full financial picture, document patterns of control, and regain confidence in their decision-making.
✨ Take the Next Step
If this article resonates with you, or you suspect financial control or manipulation in your divorce - reach out for a confidential consultation.
Together, we’ll create a clear, strategic plan so you can move forward with calm, confidence, and clarity.
Disclaimer: This blog is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal or tax advice. Divorce laws vary by state, and every case is unique. Before making any decisions about accessing funds or pursuing support in divorce, please consult with a qualified family law attorney.
Comments